I’m a mess. I’m actively having a mental breakdown and trying to push it back down while simultaneously knowing i need to deal with it. To process. But i don’t know how to process. I’m afraid to process. Easier to bury it.
But is it really?
I have feelings. It doesn’t make sense but I do. I can see a future there. It’s a nice relief, to picture a future with someone. It doesn’t make sense and yet it would be happy. It would be content. And maybe that would be enough. Because it’s easy. And that means something. Even if it’s wrong.
And yet I’m afraid. Afraid of the backlash, the logistics, the arguments. It’s easier to settle. But how long does that last? How long can i keep up the facade knowing that there’s more out there. It was easy when i wasn’t worth anything. J has shown me that’s not true. Can i really make myself settle again?
But my life is not just mine. There’s so much more. So many more people who are affected by my decisions. Am i willing to let my decisions, my happiness, potentially change the course of their lives? But also by staying, is this the example i want to set? Which is worse? Which is better? Only time will tell i suppose