E has a girlfriend. I’m glad for him. And yet I can’t help wondering. What if she’s prettier than me? What if the kids like her better than me? I don’t want him back. But it still hurts a little to feel replaced. I don’t want that life. I can never go back to that. And yet i wonder if he will do the same things to her. Will he follow the same behaviors? What if he steps up? What if he treats her like a princess? That would be a good thing, no one deserves to be treated the way i was. But if he’s capable of that, why didn’t he do it for me? My mind is racing with what ifs. Sometimes I feel like I’ve moved on so fully. And yet my mind still wonders. What things will he say about me? Will she believe him? It really doesn’t matter. Nothing i’m not used to already. I know the unaltered truth. I’ve seen behind the scenes. If she asks me why, would I tell her the truth? The unknown what ifs creep inside my head and take over.
I love how I feel with T. I love that I can be myself. No walking on eggshells, no choosing my words. He loves me so fully it’s overwhelming. That’s the life I want. That’s the relationship I want. Nothing else matters when we’re together. That’s my future. I just need to focus on that. No graduation goggles. Remember the truth. If I lost him it would be devastating. I don’t think anyone would ever love me the way he does. I don’t know why he adores me so. Why he wants to sign up for my mess. I hope he doesn’t get resentful someday. Decide it’s too much. Decide it’s not worth it. I don’t think he will. Things are just too right for it not to be meant to be. And yet… what if?