2025 was a full year.
I started the year married but alone. Attached but so very broken. Trying to believe that breaking free would be better, that maybe I could be free. It’s hard to see the light sometimes.
This year has been one of discovery for me. Realizing how very far I had fallen and the many circumstances of what put me there. It wasn’t always falling, wasn’t always being pushed under. sometimes it was more like stepping down, allowing myself to sink down instead of rise up and face my adversaries, or face my feelings. It was easier not to feel, safer. And I didn’t realize how bad it was, how bad I was, until I was shattered, lying in the pieces of who I once was. This year has been examining those pieces. Allowing myself to feel again. Allowing myself to be angry, to cry, to yell, to feel despair, and to admit my faults and admit that i need help. The jagged edges don’t fit back the same way that they used to but every step has allowed me a little bit of glue to put myself back together. Messier, but on my way to whole.
I’ve made new connections. Made some friends and lost some. Found new love. Made new memories. Began to create a new family. I’ve tried to focus on my kids and do what’s best for them. I’ve been open with them. Honest. But always tried to maintain kindness and patience. I fail a lot. But I try to own up to my failure, apologize and really try harder to be better. No more excuses. Not for me, not for E not for anyone. Accountability and forgiveness. That is what I want to embody. That is the lessons I want to teach my kids, and continue to teach myself.
This year brought me some of the hardest moments of my life. All in a continual search for my peace. Every day I learn a little more and get a little more peace. I’m definitely not monk status but the times when I feel utterly hopeless are fewer and farther between.
This year taught me the importance of loyalty. And as it often does, the hard ships showed me who was in my corner and who was not willing to stick around. Who would twist my words and intentions and who would stand by me while I screamed and raged. Or held me while I sobbed, crushed under the weight of all my emotions. What true friendship looks like and what true love looks like.
This year definitely showed me love. T is an amazing person. More than he knows. He is so much stronger than he gives himself credit for. He is authentic, he is real. It is refreshing after years of gaslighting and lies to know exactly what he is thinking. No questions. He is passionate, which is not always a good thing but he is also adaptable. And when one of us screws up, we talk about it. We apologize and we work through it. Communication in a relationship is new to me.
Being truly sincere with someone is scary. Someone who really sees me, really knows me. And what’s more than that, he accepts it. He wants the good the bad and the crazy. I’m not too much, or not enough. Whatever I am is perfect in his eyes. That kind of adoration is mind blowing. The kind of emotional safety he offers me is something I have never experienced and will probably never experience again. Despite the flaws, I know, truly, that no one else will ever love me like this.
T has been a stronghold this year. Always there to support and help me however is needed. He has listened to me scream and yell about E. He has held me while I cried, worried that I’m failing my kids. He has had my back when there were conflicts at work or with friends. He has held my secrets and supported me even when he didn’t agree with me. I’m truly grateful.
I really hope someday E will let go. I hope he can just let me be. Why he still feels the need to lie and abuse me, I will never understand. Why the vindictive, condescending actions? Why turn everything into a fight? Our whole marriage was that way, maybe it’s the only way he knows how to treat me. But he can’t break me anymore, he can’t control me anymore. Learning to set boundaries and to cover my tracks has been much harder than I originally thought. But I think I’ve learned to not trust him, and to avoid interaction as much as possible. It’s been a very hard lesson, one I have learned multiple times this year. I hate that it is like that. After everything we’ve been through, I want to believe the best in him, I want to believe he can change. Accepting that that will never happen is not easy. It’s not easy knowing he will forever demonize me, forever paint me as the villain. It’s not easy knowing I will never get an apology, an admission or even an acknowledgment of everything I did for those 15 years. I don’t get any credit for any of it. That’s not easy to let go of, but I think I’m getting better. Every day a little more.
Changing expectations is a lesson I’ve learned this year. Learning to not underestimate what people are capable of. Because when you adjust your expectations, you are not disappointed or upset when people don’t live up to them. It’s just another thing to move past instead of a monumental betrayal.
2025 was a full year. There were a lot of ups and a lot more downs. I’ve figured out who I want to be known as, what traits I want to embody. What I want to be remembered for. What I want to work towards. My goal for 2026 will be to continue towards that. And above all, to continue to find and create more peace.