I sat down to try to write out what I’m feeling. And the truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know how to express it. I’m caught between two immovable objects. An impossible situation. Trying to advocate for someone in need to someone who refuses to hear it and I feel stuck. I feel trapped. And I feel like even though I’m trying to be a sane voice and trying to conflict resolve and come up with a solution, it’s all in vain. But if I do the right thing, and report the person in the wrong, 5 other lives are ruined. 5 people will be put in bad situations. So do I advocate for the 1 and potentially ruin the lives of more? Or let the one be victimized and only ruin her life but everyone else is ok? It’s a classic train tracks situation. I don’t know what to do. Hubs says I should just step back and let things happen the way they’re going to happen. Better for my mental health. But I don’t know if i can live with that. I don’t know if I can live with someone being thrown on the streets because she’s misunderstood and has never had anyone to advocate for her. But if I advocate for her, there’s a chance this business might be shut down which would mean 4 or more people, besides the one, would lose their homes, their futures however short they may be. Is it worth it to do what’s right? And am I strong enough to hold my ground, my beliefs, my morals, above the opposition?
My opinion is not respected. Because I’m young, because I don’t have as much experience in the field. But I know what’s right. I’m not naive even if I’m perceived as such. If I’ve learned anything in life it’s to trust my instincts. But then really, where has that gotten me? A lot of disappointment. I try to believe the best about people. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. But I didn’t see it when my best friend was an alcoholic. When she drank herself to death. I watched her die because I made excuses for her and didn’t see the underlying problem. Maybe I am naive. Maybe I am dumb for advocating because now my best friend is dead and I don’t know how to move forward.
What’s the point of psychology, of therapy, if people won’t listen? What’s the point of being supportive if people are just going to make their own stupid choices anyway? How do you live with that? How is it possible to actually help anyone?
I’m trying to teach my kids to be compassionate, to be helpful, to see the good. But what if that really is a lost cause?
I don’t want that for my kids. But it’s so fucking hard.
How am I supposed to lead by example when I’m still so lost?