Do you ever feel like nothing gets done unless you do it yourself?
I have so many things that I want to accomplish during the day, so many tasks just to keep up with day to day life. I feel as though I’m never caught up and even if I am, I still feel like there should be more to do. Sometimes the mental load of it all is so exhausting that I just sit down and end up doing none of it.
The typical advice for someone with too much on their plate is to delegate. But the child things have very selective hearing and the husband lives by the motto of “I’ll do it later.” So either I nag and yell, or I just do it myself.
There’s an article that I’ve read many times that talks about the mental load that women often bear. It gives a scenario in which a woman goes to clear the coffee table and during the process, remembers that she has to switch the laundry, which reminds her she’s out of detergent. But when she goes to write it on the list she sees the trash is full but before she takes it out, she wants to clear out the fridge, and so on and so forth until it’s an hour later and the table is finally clear. This story resonates with me because this is how my brain works. I am constantly picking things up and putting them away, getting side tracked during chores, and starting too many things at once so that even though I’m busy all day long, nothing is ever actually finished. I do well with lists, it helps me to write things down so it seems less overwhelming and thoughts aren’t just falling all over each other in my brain. Checking something off the list, no matter how small, allows me to feel accomplished. I write things out on paper or organize a spreadsheet. Visualizing things helps me process. I probably come across annoying to some people but that’s just how my brain works.
Lately one of my big projects is helping with my mom. We have started what’s known as the Bredeson Protocol which has been shown to be very effective and helpful for people with cognitive decline and Alzheimer’s, going so far as to actually reverse symptoms in many people. It’s very intensive protocol and is not easy to do, but is even harder to try to convince someone else to do when they don’t understand why they should change.
I’m pulling out all the tricks that I do with my child things when I’m trying to convince them to do something but make it seem like their idea. Or make them think about something a different way or challenge them to finish their vegetables or whatever. When I am with my mom, I listen to her stories and even if they don’t make sense, I react as though they were true or ask questions to help her get back on track. I don’t try to convince her that her thought is wrong because to her it’s not wrong. Sometimes I’ll add on to it with the truth, like when she was convinced my aunt moved nearby, but I know it was actually an old friend, I say “oh wow, B moved here too!” Instead of trying to convince her that it was B who moved here, not K. It doesn’t help to try to convince her that’s she’s wrong or try to get her to see something from our point of view. All that exists right now is her point of view so I just try to meet her where she’s at and relate to her there.
Unfortunately, this has been difficult for the rest of my family and has created an ambient stressful environment at home. Even if nothing is being said, she feels that’s she’s being disrespected, and honestly, she often is. It’s hard for me to stand by and think of all the ways we could be making more progress and then feel like nothing is getting done. I wish I could be there every day doing things with her. I wish that