What do you expect out of a relationship? At what point should you talk about those expectations? I’m betting it’s probably sooner than 12 years into it. The fact that we’ve made it this far means either something has changed with our expectations to each other, or we’re just very good at ignoring issues. And I don’t think it’s that one. So now we’re dissecting all the ways we disappoint the other one. He says he needs me but I’m not sure if that’s true. More often now, he’ll make comments… I know he’ll always be there for the kids. But I don’t know if he really wants to be with me. Or if he’s just scared to be without me. But those aren’t really the same thing.
And what do I want? I still love him. The possibility of splitting up literally made me sick to my stomach. But am I also just scared? Is it worth it to stay if he’s miserable? Marriage should be more than roommates. We should be partners. Everyone thinks we look so perfect. “Wow you’ve got such a great guy” but he has a dark side too. But what kind of person would I be to abandon him in his time of need? A good wife would help him through the dark part and back into the light. I try. But I’m not really sure what that looks like anymore. Nothing I do seems to help. Nothing really seems to change.
I’m scared of what the future brings. This is all I’ve known for so long. I love my kids so much and I love my husband too. But I don’t love our relationship. Something has got to change. I hope on the other side, we’re still together and better than ever but I really don’t know anymore. Something in the back of my mind always thought I might be a single mom someday. I’ve been subtlety preparing for it my whole life. But that doesn’t mean I want that to be my reality. Life is hard but it’s so much better to have someone to traverse the rocky trails with. A partner to pick you up again.
I need a partner.