Well apparently I’m giving my kids a broken home for the holidays. I tried to be honest with E tonight and it just unraveled so I guess that’s it. Maybe we’re too different, maybe we’ve just been pretending for too long. I know I have. But I didn’t know that I was pretending. I realize it now but that doesn’t mean it should just give up right? If I was ignoring a problem, I wasn’t really trying right? So by addressing the problem, that opens a doorway to actually try to fix it, right? How can we tell if it’s still worth fixing?
I said that I want to be happy and he said that is the definition of a midlife crisis. To decide that you’re not content and want a change. That most people just live in misery until they die and that I shouldn’t force him to be cheerful because that’s not who he is. I want more than that, I want our kids to have more than that. I want to feel like enough. He said I am enough for him, that all he wants is me. But if that’s the truth then why does he criticize everything I do? Why does he argue and belittle my opinions? His actions aren’t those of someone in love. They are those of someone who is just pushing through, tolerating until they can get to where they really want to be. Like a work party, making small talk with people until you can go home. That’s how I feel treated.
I think things were less stressful when he was down hunting. For both of us. And honestly we had better conversations. Less arguing, less condescension. Maybe we just need some time to remember what we love about each other.
He said he doesn’t have any more to give but maybe it doesn’t have to be more. Just a different direction. I would be willing to give it a chance if I thought things would change. But I need more direction than “have dinner ready at 5 and give me more sex.” Those are little things, not that I’m not willing to try them, but that’s not going to fix the underlying issues.
Maybe that’s part of the problem, he keeps trying to think of little things to do and call it change. We’re patching leaks in the water main with bandaids and wondering why the house keeps flooding. We need to build a new foundation. But what does that look like? How do we do that?
I want to try. Really try. I don’t know what that looks like but I want to figure it out. I want us to be a happy family. Really truly happy and content. Maybe I am having a midlife crisis or a mental breakdown or whatever. I know I haven’t been perfect. Maybe I also haven’t really given this a shot. I’ve been so used to burying things for so long, long before I ever met him. I don’t know how to break that. But I know I can’t keep going this way.
I love our family. I don’t want them to just have an illusion of happiness, I want it to be real. I just don’t know how to do that. But it’s worth trying. Right?