I am broken.
I didn’t know how much more I could hurt. I didn’t know how much more lonely I could feel. I am empty. I have nothing left to give. And yet I must. I must be positive, be strong, be compassionate. I must keep going. Be a safe place for my kids. Be a strong stable tower through the storm. How much more wind can I take before I crumble?
How did I live this way for so long? How did I not see the signs? How did I become a person who was so easily molded into the perfect victim? It’s kind of a miracle that I woke up at all. I’ve been conditioned for so long, I can’t even trust myself. I don’t even know what’s true. How do I stay strong when everyone is telling me I’m wrong?
But they don’t know the whole story. The don’t know the hurtful selfish things he says. The ungrateful and disrespectful way he acts towards me. He has stripped me of my self worth. I had given up on everything. Accepted my fate. Maybe that would have been better. Certainly easier.
I tried to escape abuse and in exchange got exponentially more abuse and less support. Family is all siding with him. They don’t know. They don’t understand. And I’m too big of a person to drag him through the mud. Just ignore the abuse and push forward. But in the meantime I am demonized. Not in so many words, he’d never outright say it. But it’s clear in the way he talks about it. This is “my thing” and I will have to take all the shit that comes along with that. All the guilt, all the hurt, all the responsibility. It’s my choice so it’s my fault and everyone should know that. Doesn’t matter the years of degradation and manipulation I went through. There’s no proof. Couldn’t have happened. Look what a reasonable and kind person he is. So thoughtful and helpful, how could he possibly be mistreating his wife? She must be going through some sort of mental breakdown. Or maybe she’s bored. She just wants to sleep around and is willing to tear her family apart to get her kicks. Surely that’s it. What other explanation could there be?
I have nothing left. I am a shell of a person just trying to keep functioning. Just put one foot in front of the other. Just keep fucking going. What other choice do I have?