How is it possible that seeing the good in people can be turned against me? I always give the benefit of the doubt, always look for the good. And yet here I am rage cleaning at 4am, fuming because I let my guard down. I opened up, I explained myself, I was vulnerable. I thought we were getting to a place where we could actually discuss things. All I asked for was the bare minimum. Just recognition that the things he said were hurtful. All i get is half apologies. “I’m sorry you were hurt by that but..” that’s not an apology, that’s a deflection. There’s no remorse, in his eyes he has done no wrong. He says “i know I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done bad things” but there’s no feeling behind it. He said I internalize things too much. That he chose to overlook things and move on. Like what? I asked him what he has told his therapist that I did wrong. His answer was that he was sexual frustrated a lot of times over the years. I didn’t have sex with him enough, that’s what I did wrong. Fine, I’ll own up to that. What has he owned up to? What has he actually regretted? He admits that we didn’t have a good relationship, yet I’m still the villain for wanting one. For wanting peace and to be confident in myself. I told him traumas and he said I’m not recognizing the things he’s had to go through. Being uprooted from his home, losing his family. My pain doesn’t matter, my scars don’t matter because I’m doing all this to try to find “happiness”. I don’t know how to be happy. That’s not my goal. I want respect, appreciation, fucking peace. I want to not have to try to convince myself that I’m worth something. That it’s ok to be messy and flawed and that I am allowed to be my own person and that I am enough. I always try to see the best in people. Even when they continue to give me the worst.
Maybe I am too much. Everyone else seemed happier when I stayed quiet, submitted, made myself less. What kind of life is that? I shouldn’t need coping mechanisms to try to be happy in my relationship. It makes me so sad that so many of the women I know have done just that. I don’t want to slap a happy face mask over an empty shell. Every person deserves respect and fulfillment. Right?