I’m lying in bed “sleeping in” but really just too scared of what I’m going to find when I get up. Will my husband’s alarm actually have gotten him up for once? Is he actually preparing a nice breakfast and coffee? Are the kids actually playing nicely or are they zombies in front of a screen to shut them up?
I lay here with tears in my eyes, feeling all of my failures and mistakes. Feeling all of my shortcomings and feeling unappreciated for all the things I try to do. I’m not enough, I’m never enough but I don’t know how I can be more. The house is always a mess, the kids are always fighting, A is constantly getting in trouble at school, D is constantly throwing tantrums, and now J has started grabbing and screaming and hitting because that’s what he sees from his brothers and I’m just overwhelmed.
I’m tired of trying to do it all and having no help. When I try to get my family to help, I’m met with whining and attitude, honestly sometimes it’s easier to just resentfully do it all then to have the fight. But I can’t do it all.
I’m failing.
I’m failing as a Mother and I’m failing as a daughter. Because it’s Mother’s Day so I can’t not think about my own mother too. My own mother who doesn’t know she’s my mother. Who thinks I’m her sister or her friend. How long until she doesn’t know me at all? How long until she completely loses the words? How long until there are no more memories? New or old?
I want so badly for her to get better. For us all to be able to go back to normal. That small glimmer of hope is there but holding onto it is exhausting too. Trying to figure out the puzzle and what we’re missing and how do we fix it is a full time job. And I don’t have time for another full time job so it gets pushed to the back burner. But if everyone pushes it to the back burner, then she’s just slowly simmering away until there’s nothing left. I don’t know what the answer is and I’m too tired to try to find it. But I can’t give up.
I’m failing
They say as a Mother that you have to remember to take time for yourself. Practice self care, do something that fulfills you. They don’t say how you’re supposed to make that happen when your plate is already overflowing.
I’ve been trying to do projects for me. I’m taking a class that I’ve talked about for a long time and decided to not put off anymore. It’s been a month and I’m about halfway through. But I can barely find the time to watch the videos, they’re only 45-50 minutes long but sometimes I have to take a break or two to go make food or change a diaper or switch the laundry or deal with a tantrum. The time that I take for myself is time that something else isn’t getting done. I’m not cleaning or playing with my kids, or cooking dinner. So yes, I got my “time”, but now no one has clean socks and we’re ordering out for dinner and D has sat in front of the tv for hours.
Is it worth it?
And even if I do finish this class, then what? It’s not like I have time to get a job. It’s not like we can afford Childcare or a nanny in order for me to have some “fulfillment” and honestly would that job really be much different than what I’m doing already? Changing diapers and dealing with people with dementia. Why bother, I’m already there. Plus if I did get a job, that’s even less available time to spend with my mom, with my kids. Much less my husband who also gets pushed to the back burner. I can’t do it all.
I’m failing
There’s an analogy that talks about how being a mom is like juggling a bunch of different balls and some are made of glass and some are made of rubber. So you have to decide which balls are ok to drop. Is this a glass ball that’s going to cause permanent damage? Or is it a rubber ball that will bounce back?
If you order take out because you made a priority to go to your kids game, you dropped the dinner ball but caught the family ball and that’s ok.
But what if you’re ordering take out every night? Then you’re dropping a health ball. *shatter*
If I drop the family ball to catch a “me time” ball, will my kids be ok? How does this affect them? How will this affect my marriage? And even if I find my fulfillment, is it worth it if my family is in turmoil? Isn’t it better to put them first?
The more I think about it, the only ball that can be dropped is me. So I just keep juggling. I’m on fire and about to break but I’ll somehow find the strength to do it all. To be the mom I’m supposed to be. The wife I’m supposed to be. The daughter I’m supposed to be. I’m strong.
Right?
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I at least felt appreciated. Someone to say, I know it’s hard but you’re doing great. I know the kids are hard, I know they whine, it’s just a phase. I know you’re pregnant, I know you’re tired, it’s ok. You’re not a failure if you take a nap. I know how hard you work.
You know what I get instead? Exasperated sighs from my husband as he complains about how hard his day was (his day that started when he got up at noon) and how he can’t deal with the kids because he’s thinking about work (on a Saturday night). And then complains that dinner is over cooked (because I was simultaneously doing 3 other things that he was too busy to help with).
I get attitude from my son who tells me I’m the worst mom ever when I tell him to put away his clothes. I get kids who are screaming and fighting. Kids who are bored because none of their toys are fun enough. I get a toddler who is behind in growth and speech and I get more things to worry about, more ways that I’m failing. I get calls home from the teacher, I get to wonder if counseling is necessary because I don’t know how I can be more for my son but I can’t let this behavior go unnoticed because it will just get worse. I get to fight with my husband over stupid things (and sometimes not so stupid things) and wonder when everything is going to come crashing down around me and then what?
Then where will I be?
I’m failing