It’s the little things that remind you of the people you love. The big events too but the little insignificant things are what hit the hardest.
It’s been 3 weeks since Kelly died. We got back from the funeral and our whirlwind CA trip on Monday and then it all hit me. All the feelings that I’d been pushing aside while I was busy planning trips and visits and appointments. Everything that I haven’t allowed myself to feel. It all hit me in the middle of pigeon pose during my morning yoga, and all of a sudden the floodgates opened. Now everywhere I turn, I’m reminded of the little things and it all comes rushing back.
Today I gave the kids a bath and we’re playing with the foam letters, which we haven’t pulled out in a while. As I’m spelling out Fish and Seal with D, I’m reminded a time at our house when Kelly spelled out “Fuck” on the bathroom wall with those letters, then waited for someone to notice and all night we were trying to figure out who wrote the cuss word on the wall. It was a dumb little thing but it gave us all a laugh and now it’s something I’ll remember forever.
There’s a dish set that she gave A one year for his birthday. The sink has a motor that runs real water so the kids can wash dishes just like Mommy. At the time, I didn’t see the appeal. It’s big and bulky and hard to store. It’s not that interesting, what kid wants to wash dishes? I almost got rid of it. But now it’s their favorite toy. They wash the dishes in the bath, they have tea parties, they make “soup.” She saw the magic in it. She was good at that. Finding the magic in every situation.
I’m constantly in awe of her patience with the kids. Very rarely would she yell. I know she got frustrated and angry. But she was really good at talking things through with them and working with them to find the good and turn the situation around. I’m trying to be better about that. To think “What would Kelly Do?” To put love and understanding and forgiveness above all else. I know she wasn’t perfect. But there’s so many things I admire and I want to keep those alive.
I still can’t believe she’s gone