Grief is a fickle thing. I keep going through waves, from busy and distracted, to angry, to depressed and just staring at the wall. I don’t know how to act. I think my brain has just shut down and is refusing to deal with the trauma. This is different than when Kelly died. That hit all at once, this one hits in waves. I think about her all the time, almost everything reminds me of her. I wish I had more pictures.
I keep seeing her in the hospital bed. Her skin starting to marble, her chest no longer rising. I know she is at peace and I’m glad for that. I know her trauma is healed now. I just wish she could have healed it here. It’s not fair that she didn’t get a second chance. But with as stubborn as she was, would she have taken it?
The hardest part is that every memory is now tainted with the knowledge of what I know now but didn’t then. I feel like I lost her in two ways. Through death but also through life. I thought I knew her but turns out I just believed whatever excuses she made so did I really know her? Did I really know her at all? Was she really that good at hiding or am I just naive? I have so many questions that I’ll never get answers to. I guess she trusted me since she didn’t shut me out but if she trusted me then why couldn’t she talk to me? I’ll never understand how her mind justified things. She had her own reality but it wasn’t true. And now my reality is shifted too.
I’m sure it will get easier in time. I know someday I’ll be able to talk about her without a rush of emotions. I’ll be able to forgive, to let go of the hurt. I won’t just randomly start sobbing. I’ll process things in a healthy way and won’t just shove them down. But I don’t know how to do that right now. I don’t know how to do anything right now. Just existing is my goal for now and anything else is a bonus. Someday I’ll have good days again.
Someday